Not for me
by Magdelope
Summary: A serious of one-shots feuturing Miranda and Shepard. With so much regret, hatred and pain between them, love is too difficult at times.
1. Chapter 1 - Miranda's pain

Of course it hurts me Shepard, when you smile at everyone but not at me. You seem to be able to find a charming grin, a hug, reassurance, warmth; for the worst of them. But not for me. It hurts me that you seem to harden when I walk into the room, you don't smile but frown. You give me such cold, hard words. I reply with reciprocating coldness. But inside I am like fudge.

Of course it hurts me. I am alone. One by one the people around me pair up, fall in love, move on. I am frozen in time. Perfect. A statue. A painting. Pretty paintings don't change. It's lonely where I am. The wind is freezing. I am even colder still. Ice queen, that is me.

Of course it hurts me Shepard, when you didn't tell me to talk to my sister. I don't know why I look at you for the reassurance that I need. I don't know why it pains me to know that you do not care. That you never will care. That even though you smile at others, you will never smile at me.

Of course it hurts me, that your body is mine in ways that no other lover can claim. I rebuilt you. I have seen every part of you; I brought you back to life. I saw your strength when you lay dead and broken and I fixed you. I felt your pulse start again underneath my fingers, I saw your lungs take deep breaths, guided by the machines I helped built. Your body is mine. Even if you will never be.

Of course it hurts me Shepard, when you look at me with angry eyes. When you grab my arms and push me into the wall. I know I act like I'm indestructible but I really need you to be a bit more careful with me. I am so hurt and overwhelmed I don't even have the strength to tell you to stop. Tell you that you're hurting me.

Of course it hurts me, your touch is painful. It burns me, forces me to realize that I have been wrong. That I have always been wrong. That you do not belong to me and that you will never belong to me. If I am ice, you are fire and you can never own fire. So warm, you threaten to leave me melted.

Of course it hurts me, Shepard, when I realize that when I was stitching you up, reanimating your very being, I was not making you mine. I was making myself yours. I saved your life. The emphasis is on your life, not mine. I belong to you. Not the other way around. You touch me with such self-righteousness I now understand that it is because you know. You have known all along.


	2. Chapter 2 - Shepard's confusion

I hate you Miranda. It is your fault that I am this way. When I see my scars, I know that everything I have had to go through since being brought back is your fault.

I hate you. You took a hero and turned her into this monster, this killing machine. You can't reanimate a soul. I don't believe it. I refuse to believe it. I am still dead.

I hate you Miranda. I will never tell you. I will never even admit it to myself that I dream of you. It's the same every night. I see your eyes like they were that time I woke up by mistake. It's the first memory since my death. I blame biological programming. All creatures love their mother.

I hate you. You're too perfect. Your hair too shiny. But you're eyes are ice, maybe you're dead inside too. Maybe that is why you could morally do what you did to me. You think I'm yours. One day I will show you. I belong to no one.

I hate you Miranda. One day I just snap. You say something and suddenly I can't contain my rage anymore. Before I know what is happening I have you pinned against the wall. I am not yours, I want to scream. I can never be yours.

I hate you. You yelp at my bruising grip. You seem so much weaker than out in the battlefield. And then I hate myself. I don't want to have your eyes on me. There is so much sadness in them. I am sorry. I truly am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you with my hatred.

I hate you Miranda. I hate how you make me feel. How you confuse me. I wish I didn't have to hate you but I do. If I didn't hate you, I would love you and I'm not ready for that yet.


	3. Chapter 3 - Miranda's regret

I'm sorry Shepard. I see how you hurt and I'm sorry about that. I see how you wonder who and what you are and that this confusion is painful. If you came to me and asked I could tell you. I could explain the technology we used and why it worked. We could talk for days if that's what you need. If it would make you stop hating yourself I could tell you everything. Down to the last detail. But you never ask.

I'm sorry. I have so many regrets. I know that Cerberus does questionable things and I don't morally stand behind everything they do. But I have to stand behind them. Without them I would never have been able to save my sister. Without them I would probably be dead. Without them I would have never met you.

I'm sorry Shepard. When the Illusive Man first put me in charge of the Lazarus project I treated you like a thing. You weren't alive to me. Not a human. You were an object. A job. It all changed when you're lungs started working again. Seeing air flow through your lips, struck something inside me. It's hard to believe now that I actually suggested planting a control chip in your brain. The thought is so foreign to me now. I'm disgusted with myself.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I wonder why we even try. What is the point of life anyway? Everything you have uncovered points to the reapers killing us all within the next few years. What will we be regretting then I wonder? During those final days, what will you regret? I know what I will regret.

I'm sorry Shepard. I have more regrets than I have happy memories. I sometimes want to lie down and just die. I am tired. I regret killing NIkesh. I regret not having more contact with Oriana. I regret that you didn't get to wake up peacefully but rather be ripped into our violent reality, needing to fight immediately. I regret that I can't seem to relax and let my walls down even around people I should learn to trust. But I will never regret you.

I'm sorry. But I believe in you. I believe in everything you are and everything you can be. If you don't have a soul, then neither do I. I need you to be okay, Shepard. I'm sorry that you're hurting, but when it comes to you, I will never regret a thing.

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**This rambling fic is dedicated to thegethhaveacrushonme because without her I wouldn't even have finished the first part.**

**Also -Wow. I would never in a million years expected the reaction to this fic. I appreciate every single review. Seriously, you guys are awesome.**


	4. Chapter 4 - Shepard's realisation

In the end Miranda, I don't hate you. I can't hate you. I know that you have had a difficult life and I respect you for it.I can see how strong you are. How you fight. How you struggle even when I can see in your eyes that you want to lay down and die.

In the end, I wish that it wouldn't have taken me this long to realise how cruel I have been to you. I'm sorry Miranda. I am so sorry, sweetheart. I know that I should have been gentler with you.

In the end, Miranda I understand what you meant when you said that you will never regret bringing me back. I don't want you to regret it. I no longer wish I was dead.

In the end. We belong to each other. We are more intimately connected than two people usually are. You are the reason I am alive. Every single emotion, every small moment of happiness that I have had in the past year I have you to thank for.

In the end Miranda, all I feel is gratitude. I am happy that I am alive. I am happy to have known you.

In the end, I can't help but feel like you are mine. I don't know when I started to feel entitled to you but I do. You are mine, just like I am yours. I wish I could have your affection as well, but you can't have everything you wish for. I know that it's probably too late for anything other than dysfunctional to develop between us. I will have to be content dreaming about you from afar.

But I need you to know that in the end, at the very end, when I stare death in the face and I no longer know if I will be breathing tomorrow. At that very edge of life and death, all I can think about is you. And at that moment, I know that I have loved you for a very long time. And I am no longer scared to say so.

**The end**


End file.
